Congratulations Minister – you have mastered official speak

This Green and Surprisingly Pleasant Land looks at how new government ministers have adapted to their captivity

No one listening to Labour’s newly hatched government ministers can fail to be impressed by how quickly they have mastered the art of official-speak, some of them have even ascended to the level of sounding barely human.

The essence of official-speak consists of getting ministers to faultlessly repeat briefings provided by officials while maintaining the pretense that the words come out of their own heads.

They have been quick to learn ‘the less is more’ principle devised by ministerial minders who live in perpetual fear of their charges going off message or extemporizing at which point who knows what they might say?

So, the less is more principle is sacrosanct. Let’s see how it works in practice – Example A consists of a hapless minister being asked whether it is government policy to do X or Y. Obviously this sort of question needs to be dodged so the proscribed response would be to criticize the questioner for their excessive simplicity.

If that doesn’t work plan B stipulates use of the dread phrase, ‘let me explain’. This is the preamble to a petri dish of words considered to be fit for every purpose. They include phrases such as ‘national interest’, ‘people on the doorsteps tell me’ and the killer phrase, ‘responsible government’. These are worthy sentiments but, thankfully, meaningless. When repeated at length they are designed to numb the questioner into abandoning the quest for enlightenment.

New governments arrive laden with a slew of commitments that seem to require explanations of how they will be implemented. So, the first task is to lower expectations. Official speak has a full armoury of phrases for this very purpose. They come in variations on the theme of: ‘we inherited a truly dire situation, frankly  even worse than we expected …’ The myriad problems are then outlined, then repeated and then summarized with an assurance that everything possible is being done to achieve solutions.

Sometimes a pesky questioner asks for what is known as a ‘yes or no’ answer. Anyone expecting to hear of these words will be disappointed. Alas, such simplicity is strictly forbidden. You are far more likely to hear: ‘let me make it absolutely clear’. This is a prelude to anything but clarity and is known in the trade as ‘skillful evasion’.

Instead of clarity expect a dump of a bunch of words connected to the subject. Declarations of undying love for various parts of GREAT BRITAIN (capital letters being compulsory) are given alongside firm specific-free assurances that things are being done, except in the case of things that were done in the past that can be described as being very bad indeed.

When that really bad stuff happens on the minister’s watch they have to explain why it has happened and how they will put it right.

Usually the bad stuff comes in the form of individuals disgracing themselves and lying about it, so the trick is to stare earnestly into the camera and solemnly declare that it is ‘neither right nor appropriate to comment on individuals who are under investigation’.

With equal gravity the hapless minister will announce the onset of an official inquiry or declare that procedures are underway so, alas, there can be no question of trying to influence the outcome. Inquiries are much loved because they can be drawn out for a very long time, hopefully long enough for everyone to have forgotten why they were established in the first place.

Inquiries have many qualities but they lack the greater merit of buck passing. Department A can always say that Department B is investigating, Department B then passes the buck to Department C and so on. By the time buck passing has ended and some very junior officials have been thrown to the wolves, the real culprits will be enroute to the next cock up.

When all else fails politicians get themselves kitted out in Hi-Viz jackets and hard hats to  visit factories or building sites where they are allegedly meeting ‘real people’, as opposed, presumably, to the vast majority of ‘false people’ who populate these islands. Out there in real people land difficult questions can be ducked on grounds that their priority, as reflected from the shimmer of their hard hats, is dealing with real issues which emphatically do not include questions they prefer not to answer.

A more extreme measure consists of casting off their jackets to appear in shirtsleeves for a brisk visit to hospital wards. A fixed look of concern is displayed at all times because ministers are clearly busy addressing life and death matters which leaves no space for pesky questioning.

The TV satire Yes Minister provides the seminal reference point for students of official speak. It first appeared on British screens over four decades ago, remarkably it is safe to say that its relevance has hardly diminished.