Mr Cleverly goes to China – the inside story

This Green and Strangely Pleasant Land - diplomacy

Now that the British Foreign Secretary James Cleverly has safely returned to London following a trip to Beijing this Substack, with unique access to creative Chinese sources inside Zhongnanhai,  can exclusively reveal what actually happened.

On Wednesday morning, 30 August as Mr Cleverly was about to be received in the Great Hall of the People by Vice President Han Zheng an aide nervously approached his boss, ‘Comrade Han’, he said,

‘the British Foreign Secretary is waiting for you’.

Mr Han, ostentatiously occupying himself by reading the latest gripping edition of the People’s Daily, did not bother to look up. He dismissed the flunky saying, ‘let him wait, I’m in no hurry to see him. A great nation no longer needs to rush to greet emissaries from faded imperial powers’.

‘Shall I give him more tea?’

‘If you like, but more importantly has the British side been made aware that we have just completed a major air force exercise over our sovereign territory of Taiwan?’

‘Yes, comrade, it was one of the first things we did after his plane landed.’

‘Very good, is he aware that Comrade Xi Jinping has put me personally in charge of cleansing Hong Kong?’

‘Um’, stuttered the flunky, ‘I am not quite sure’.

‘Never mind, let’s see if he dares mention anything about that annoying place.’

Ten minutes later Mr Han rose and entered the room where the British Foreign Secretary was cooling his heels. The cameras clicked, fixed grins were exchanged and Mr Cleverly was allowed to sit down.

‘You are most welcome to Beijing’, the Vice President intoned, ‘there have been many misunderstandings and failures in our relationship.’

‘I am here to put that behind us’, said Mr Cleverly eagerly.

‘Quite so, we cannot tolerate meddling in our internal affairs.’

‘Yes absolutely’, said the Foreign Secretary leafing through his notes, ‘I very much hope we can focus on trade and investment which is of mutual benefit.’

‘I can see you are a realist Mr Cleverly’.

‘I like to think so, you may not know that I used to be a military officer.’

The Vice President whispered something into the ear of an aide who nodded vigorously. ‘I hope that did not include taking part in the shameful Opium Wars waged by the disgraced Qing Dynasty’.

The Foreign Secretary looked bewildered. He whispered to the Ambassador seated next him. After which he said cautiously, ‘oh, yes I understand, that’s a joke?’

Mr Han who does not smile, did not smile and brushed aside the implied question. ‘Obviously you are too young to have taken part in these events yet your government still seems to think that Hong Kong is some sort of British colony.’

‘Absolutely not Mr Vice President but I was hoping to raise some issues regarding the situation in Hong Kong. We do, after all, have a treaty with China regarding this very subject and, well, there is…’

‘That treaty’, Mr Han interrupted him, ‘is a matter of history. You need to understand that the Special Administrative Region of Hong Kong is purely an internal affair of the People’s Republic’.

‘Er, quite so but, um, I am under a lot of pressure to make clear Britain’s position.’

‘Very interesting but I thought you said you were here to focus on trade and investment from the world’s second largest economy’.

‘Absolutely and there is indeed great scope for both investment and trade, whisky for example and…’, a quick glance at his notes, ‘financial services’.

‘So do you want to talk about that or are you going to bother me with other aspects of China’s internal affairs such as Taiwan and the extremely prosperous region of Xinjiang where we have made great progress improving the lives of a backward people?’

The Foreign Secretary looked crestfallen; the Ambassador whispered in his ear again. Straightening himself in his chair, he finally said, ‘well, I’m glad these points have been raised, perhaps we need not dwell on them’.

Mr Han nodded approvingly and looked at his watch. ‘I am sure that our business people can consider any economic proposals you wish to make. As you know your country needs all the friends it can get right now.’

The exchanges continued but not for long. There were mentions of ‘good will’ and ‘mutual understanding’. All very, very good stuff.

Finally Mr Han rose saying, ‘I have no wish to detain you further, you have meetings with my colleagues, I’m sure they can be of assistance.’

At this point Mr Cleverly was bundled out to face an eager press pack who were assured that ‘tough conversations’ had been had and that issues had been raised.

The Vice President and the Foreign Secretary shook hands as the cameras clicked and Mr Cleverly was whisked away for another fruitful meeting.

Mr Han was given a piece of paper listing other engagements for the day, ‘I see’, he said to an aide as he ran his finger down the list, ‘that I actually have some important meetings later on’.

Some names and wording have been changed to protect the innocent.

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